Your Art Practice is Enough
I’ve spent so much time agonizing about the point of this notebook…this collage practice…the point of splattering paint on pages and watching how different mediums interact with one another. I’ve thought of how to monetize it, how to translate it to canvas, how to market it to anyone because that is what capitalism has taught me how to do. I have struggled with showing up for this practice that feels good because just the fact it feels good couldn’t possibly be enough.
But the truth is, it is enough. Social media has tricked me into thinking that money has to be made because I see a lot of other people making money. It’s complicated, right? I’m probably always going to sell things, because I find joy in sharing my creations with the world and I do think that art makes a difference. I have been adamant about setting up zine and art trades for this very specific purpose. But I don’t want to feel the pressure of performing.
I’m not going to lie, I am grateful for this (Substack) space where I can come and share some rambling thoughts. If I am having a day where I am able to avoid looking at the numbers, it’s almost as though I am speaking into a void. And what a pleasant surprise it is when I come back to this space to positive comments and what have you. But I don’t want validation to be the purpose of my art. And I don’t want to be chasing the high of other people’s approval.
I’m a stay-at-home mom. I have talked about this before, and part of the reason it’s felt important for me to share my artistic journey is because it is a tether to the “outside world.” I live in a rural town, which has somehow made parenting even more isolating. Connecting with other artists has been the true joy of this experience. Finding my own discipline as an artist is a close second.
Personally, I spent many years not believing in art and the power it held. I scoffed at others who spent time on it. I viewed it a waste. I wish I could go back and hold that part of myself. I probably will. It is part of the many reasons addictions held such a firm grasp on me. When you don’t have your creativity to lean on, what once felt like a technicolor world can suddenly feel very…empty.
The truth of it is all of these words ultimately leave me in the same space as before. I’ll still struggle with the feelings of not-enoughness, I will still try to make my passion profitable for the sake of capitalism. I am doing the work to try and detach my feeling of self-worth from the goals of a capitalistic society…but that takes time. I also still struggle with the ups and downs of my bipolar. It’s more down down down lately. The depression is a large raincloud sitting atop my shoulders. It’s easy to allow it to hold me down.
I wanted to share this because I know picking up the pen / paintbrush / glue can be the hardest thing you do today. Your arms, heavy with depression and anxiety, sore from carrying the weight of everything you think is yours, will fight to stay stagnant. But the little marks make a difference. Just the few swooshes of a paintbrush can tip the scales into the direction of clearing your mind. It’s movement in the direction that could lead to so many other positive movements. Momentum. We’re building momentum. I forget this so so so often and I wanted to share this reminder in case you have forgotten too.
Here are some pages from my favorite art journal / sketchbook to date. It is messy and all one big experiment. I love it. Thus far my only plans are a flip through for YouTube. Down the road, perhaps after filling a few more of these inserts, I will look into publishing an artist zine or book. For now, this is enough.
Thank you for reading! Please considering subscribing, either as a free reader or paid. I want to offer my gratitude for you visiting my little corner of the internet. I genuinely appreciate any restacks, shares, likes and comments. I hope what you found here was nourishing and engaging.
I really do resonate with so much you’ve written here. Especially the part about even the smallest marks mattering on days where you feel like you can’t create anything. I also want to turn my art into a profitable business, but mostly because I’m not in a financially secure position. Some artists I follow have said that part of making art is the sharing it with others/having someone purchase it. It’s because whenever someone looks at it, it brings them strong emotions - happiness, joy, soulfulness. It can give them life after a long work day/stressful day. I know when I look at art it brings me so much joy and inspiration. Anyway, just some thoughts. Hope you’re doing well! 💜🥰🥰✨
I love the thoughts you shared here. I teared up a little at the part aboit holding your past self - the one who scoffed at the power of art. That this practice is your tether is absolutely true and beautifully said - it is the same for me as an expat.