I’m not going to come into this weeks creativity update making any grand promises because in all honesty, it feels a bit like I am going through something. It was a relief this morning to have actually spent some time making art after such a moody few days. Catharsis.
I will say for now I will be sharing reflections on the tarot but putting the oracle art aside. I want more introspection and more writing right now. Less worrying about creating all the stuff. There will be a simplification.
Let me explain.
Last week my grandma passed away. She was 91, and passed in her sleep. We weren’t super close, but we weren’t necessarily “distanced” either. I know she wasn’t happy with some of the decisions I made in my life. But she also showed up in ways I wouldn’t have expected for one of her generation. I’m grateful for that. I guess I never fully thought about what it would be like to be completely ostracized from her. Ultimately I’m glad I wasn’t. It feels strange to talk about because it feels as though losing her is something I shouldn’t talk about. It was complicated. Human connection is always complicated.
Regardless, she was there in my life for 35 years and it’s weird to know that she’s not there. While remembering her, I was able to see members of my family who I rarely get to see, some who I haven’t seen in years. I was able to meet family I hadn’t been able to meet before. These are the brighter sides of loss, when we are led to community. Another thing to be grateful for.
It can feel as though I am floundering when our routine goes off the rails. The kids were on Spring Break, so routine was already out the window and that somehow helped to ease me into the running and constant being-around-people time. It’s become more and more apparent to me now that a lot of the drinking helped me to loosen up around other people. It might be why I don’t go around many people now that I’m sober. Just a thought.
Mostly I think I am sad because there’s a lot I would’ve liked to share with her but I don’t know that she would’ve appreciated it. There’s a closeness I think I longed for that wasn’t going to happen. Of course, I don’t know that I could’ve fully admitted this before. It’s a pretty painful realization for me as I know that I have been clamoring for the approval of family for most of my life. These efforts have been intensified since my recovery began 6 years ago. I can’t remember if I ever even told her I finally graduated from college. My memory retention is a little concerning for me these days, since I only graduated at the end of 2019…although to be fair…the world has sort of been on fire since 2020.
I hope she knows that I didn’t ever intend to disappoint her. And I hope that she can at least be proud to have gotten to know her great-grandchildren. They are, after all, the best.
I pulled the six of swords after completing this journal spread, and it felt so appropriate that I added it as a tip in. Surrender has been a word echoing in my ears lately and that has only intensified this last week. And what is it to know death in our life but the greatest surrender to the unknown? We surrender the illusion of control, we surrender the idea that we have any say at the end of it all. The most we can do while here is show up and love well…and accept what is. I am going to take a cue from the card and try to look to calmer seas ahead with a hope for clarity. I will attempt to surrender regrets and shed the skin of my past selves. Ultimately, I know that all I can control is how I react to the world around me..so I will attempt to act with gratitude and understanding.
I’m not in AA as a person in recovery, but I am partial to the Serenity prayer which feels uniquely connected to this message, this card, and this time in my life.
Announcements
Zine trades are open again. Everything in my shop is available for trade as well.
I am working on two more new zines but I don’t know when they’ll be finished as I am ultimately following the whims of inspiration and energy as they come.
I will be sharing a new printable (maybe two depending on how I feel) later this week that will be free to all subscribers. If there’s something you’d like to see on a printable, leave it in the comments. I am simply sharing these with community as I teach myself to use Procreate.
Until next time,
Rikki
I hear you on this. Familial relationships, especially the ones with wide generational gaps always have this vague tension to them. My grandma is 102 and there's a whole lifetime between us. There's a certain kind of understanding you hope you can find in your family. They may not understand us, but you don't need to "understand" someone to love and care for them. I hope this isn't an intrusive comment from a stranger, but I just hope you're able to find comfort in knowing there's something painfully universal about that experience. <3