Compassion for everyone but yourself isn’t the path
Where I reflect on belonging, the church and my journey to self-compassion
Trigger warning: this post discusses my past with suicide attempts, addictions and issues with abandonment. It also talks about the Christian Church and the idea of original sin. If these are difficult topics for you, I invite you to skip this essay.
Are you being too hard on yourself? When does your inner critic get loud? Do you find yourself thinking you’re not deserving of all the things you know others deserve?
Pause. Breathe. Hold your hands to your heart.
Practicing compassion for everyone but yourself isn’t the path. It isn’t helpful to you, or anyone else. Practice just being. Remember you are part of the Infinite Beautiful Everything just as much as everyone and everything else.
I find that I save my meanest thoughts and harshest judgements for myself. I am actively working with a therapist to step back from this. The first part of my adult life was spent at the altar of delusional self-importance. Since getting sober, I may have been seeing myself as Unworthy as a result. This has classic “original sin” vibes, probably inherited from bad theology that permeates our culture.
I wasn’t ever a church-goer. I craved religion. I wanted to be a church girl so badly. I’m not sure if this was spiritual longing, or simply the desire to belong. I always struggled with it and never committed to it. There were so many negative encounters with self-proclaimed Christians it left a bad taste in my mouth. From my early teen years through adulthood, there were multiple occasions where Christian parents labeled me as a “bad influence,” among other less flattering names.
Why were they so judgmental? How could they know I was “bad” without even knowing me? And, most of all, if I was someone who was “bad,” someone dealing with mental health issues, addiction issues and the pain of abandonment… wasn’t that deserving of compassion? Why didn’t someone think to ask “why is everything unfolding this way? Do you need some help?” It was hard not to see myself as cast out of the proverbial garden. If people who followed Jesus could look at me and cast me aside so easily, how could I see myself as someone worth saving? I’m not sure if this was the cause for my ultimate self-abandonment and suicide attempts, but it definitely contributed.
Little acts of compassion and being seen are the small steps that helped me on the path of healing. My sobriety and mental health support stemmed from two sources: me asking, repeatedly, for help, and others opening their hearts to me. I’m glad to no longer be where I was. It does give me a unique lens to view our current society through. Keeping my heart open to others has led me to be hurt, and yet I continue to try.
It’s a practice. I’m also learning that taking everything on by myself isn’t the answer. It leads to dark, familiar places. It stokes thought patterns that are harmful. We must be aware of all of the ways we abandon ourselves when we try to help others. Parents…and specifically moms…I’m looking at you (and myself) here. That whole “can’t pour from an empty cup” thing.
Ultimately, seeing god everywhere and in everything includes yourself. This week I am reminding myself of this. I am reminding myself that my body, my dreams, my mind are worth tending to amidst all other things. I am also reminding myself I don’t have to do it all by myself.
So, how are you being kind to yourself? Be of service to others, but also to yourself. Don’t leave yourself behind.
Let’s all love each other, and ourselves, better.
Rikki
Let’s Connect!
Feel free to respond to this email if you have anything you’d like to share, or leave a comment! I am back on Instagram in a much more intentional way under starmothcreates. I’ve also meandered back to TikTok for the time being, link below. I’ve hit a creative flow that has felt really good to share. I’m going with my gut. Feel free to find me in any of those places, or simply connect here. Stickers and care mail are available through Ko-fi. Reminder that most originals are available and that I am open to discussing price and/or trade. Prints and other items are available through Redbubble.
The "Infinite Beautiful Everything " - that's a wonderful statement and we are worthy! ☀️💛